i don't love God, i just want to love Him

I read a short 'book' over the weekend. It was a sorta sappy love story about how the protagonist feared love, having been hurt so many times, only to realize that the handsome tall dude she met by chance was the one. Her sister, on the other hand, was on her way to getting her third marriage. She ended up ditching the wedding, realizing that she didn't love the guy - she just wanted to love him.

Then, it hit me.

I don't love God. I just want to love Him.

I want someone to rely on, someone to love, someone to be loved by.

Unconditionally, with no expectations, someone who'd forgive me no matter what.

I like the idea of having someone to lean on, someone to call upon when things get too tough.

I admire this God, who is willing to give up so much, willing to die for a worthless speck of dust like me

I look up to this God, filled with wisdom, a source of knowledge for all creation

I would like to learn from Him, be His understudy

Bluntly put, I want the advantages to Christianity, but not the 'relationship' it comes with.

Do I care about Him? Do I want Him? Do I love Him?

No.

I've never once asked, when talking to Him, "Hey God, how're you doing? Is life up there fine? Is it really busy with everyone talking to you? Can you cope?"

I never show concern to him

Neither do I yearn from him when I'm having fun

I don't miss him when I'm out with my friends

I don't love Him

I love the idea of Him

I want to love Him

But I don't love Him

And yet He loves me

It's a one-sided relationship.

And such a relationship is the most painful one in the world.